I know this website is about Rheumatoid Arthritis but it is also about my life and my experiences, things in my life that affect me. This subject is very near to my heart and that is the subject of Domestic abuse. That is something I have gone through over the past years, more psychologically than physical, it is still on going to this day with harassments and slandering almost every day, due to this I want to share my experiences as it might help someone else in the same situation.
Domestic violence comes in different shapes and forms, both physical and psychological abuse. They both hurt, as the scars and the pain afflicted on the outside heals the wound on the inside might deepend and grow bigger minute by minute. The relationship I was in were more a verbally abusive relationship. This is my story and my experience, all the images and the recordings are my own and are truly hard to share as there somehow is a built in feeling of guilt.
Signs Of An Abusive Relationship
I had seen him around before but never paid him much attention, if I knew what was to come I would have kept it that way.
I returned from a trip and there he was, living in one of the rooms in my house. He fit right in.
There was something about him that stood out. He was interesting, seemed very knowledgeable and he was making himself busy around the house. The more I got to know him the more the attraction grew, which was odd since he was not the type of guy I would usually fall for.
Things were going good for a few weeks until he started an argument at work and the house. For different reasons he was no longer welcome at the house and I made the choice to go with him.
Thinking back I do not think half of what he said about the situation was true. I have come to understand that he viewed my roommate and friend as a threat and he needed her out of my life.
I remember the time I lost all respect for him. We were both working at the markets and I received a text message from a guy who used to work there. I told him that I had a boyfriend but that I was flattered by his offer on taking me out. I later went on to tell him about this message and he went so mad. I never understood the problem that he seemed to have with this, as if the tables were turned I would be flattered about the fact that someone wants to take my partner out but he made it clear that he is taken.
This message turned him into a state of rage and I was being yelled at to the point of hysterically crying, I even threw my phone out the window in hope that he would stop, I felt so controlled.
He proceeded to tell a version of the story to his friends, and our current roommates, I was in the bedroom, upset that someone could make me feel this way. He would tell me how they all agree with him and how I was wrong for receiving this message and not blocking the numbered instantly. I have later found out that they actually thought he was in the wrong. He twisted everything around to make me feel even more isolated and he succeeded.
I should have left then but he had made me feel as though I had no one but him.
For Christmas we, my family and I, had paid for him to come with me to Sweden, we had also planned to surprise him by going Hungary so that he could see his relatives which he hadn’t been able to see for over 20 years. I was hoping for a little bit of gratitude, however all that was received was a constant complaining about how uncomfortable the beds were and how we are never staying with my relatives again. If this was not being complained about then it was about me, how I never wanted to be intimate or the fact that I did want to be intimate but he found it in appropriate. However the fault never was even partly his but solely mine.
Controlling Abusive Relationships
There was one incident, one of the first, where I was trying to get away as he became threatening and wouldn’t allow me to leave the bedroom. I tried to break the window open but I couldn’t. I was lucky that my roommate heard me pleading for him to let me out and came to help. I grabbed my bag, it had my passport, my wallet and my car keys and I took of. Determined never to go back, before I knew it he had chased me down the street, pulled me to the ground, he ripped my bag apart. He walked back to the house, carrying my bag with my passport and wallet, back to the house I just escaped from. My arm was bruised and I was in pain. I cannot remember how long I was sitting there or what he was saying, I was trying to find the courage to walk the road back to my tourmenter.
It didn’t take long before the police showed up at the house, neighbors had witnessed what he had done and called the police. They made him give me back my passport and wallet.
-What was the cause of the argument they asked?
– I had gone to bed earlier than he did, apparently against his will. I replied.
All I did was that I went to bed and watched a series. This was enough to let the rage out of its cage and it was not the only thing either.
We had to go to court for this and he had to go to anger management for 36 weeks. All which was my fault, because I signed the papers he said. He had no part in what had taken place, the blame was put on me and it was only my fault.
There were days were he would get so angry, for reasons I never understood, that I was afraid to turn my back towards him because I honestly thought that he would kill me. The way he would yell at me, I would cry until my pillow was completely soaked, he would stop and say “Come on, let’s go and do something, let’s go swim in the pool” like nothing had happened. I would say no because why would I want to spend time with you after everything you have just said to me, I would then receive more yelling because once again there were things wrong with me for not wanting to spend time with the person who had just spent the last hour tearing me apart and belittling me to the point where I would think that perhaps there is something wrong with me.
There were not only bad times, there were good times as well, the bad times would however always show up when things were good, when you finally put your guard down and relaxed, that’s when it came back.
He would try to turn me against my friends saying that they were talking shit about him, when they had done no such thing, he would try to “win” My family over to his side by contacting them and telling them that I was out drinking and that I was treating him bad, he would lie and say things to make me feel bad towards him.
Mentally Abusive Relationship And Isolation
On my birthday I had planned to go out with my two closest friends. All of a sudden there was a party at his work and now because I was going out we could not go to the dinner. I tried to explain that if he had let me know beforehand I would have planned differently. He made me feel so guilty, later I found out that the job he had been working at was only something he had made up.
He was a brilliant liar and even better at making his controlling behavior seem normal. He would drop me off at school and pick me up, because he had to go to work on the same day, I thought that this was brilliant because I never really needed to park my car, instead he used it. I later found out that he had no job, this was only to keep track of me.
The last incident that made me, pretty much go into hiding and run for my life, was the night when he threw a bottle at my face. We had a lovely dinner with our neighbors and the other people we were living wihh. We had been working since 3 in the morning and by 12 pm I was exhausted. As I went to bed he flipped out, I was trying to find places around the house to get away from him but he kept following me. I felt like he was only seconds away from punching me out cold. I tried hiding and seeking shelter with one of my roommates but he kept coming. This lasted for hours. He took my saved money out of my piggybank, because he said this was his, everything that was mine was somehow his, I finally locked myself in the bathroom, I kept asking him to leave me alone, he punched the door in and proceeded to argue and call me names, he then threw a bottle in my face and another wood item.
It finally stopped when I heard that my other roommate was up.. I ran to her and I spent the next few hours crying, traumatized, I wasn’t sure I was going to survive the night. I never wanted to turn my back towards him in this state, but I kept thinking that if he is going to kill me, if I am going to die, would his face really be the last face I would want to see? It wasn’t, so I kept my back turned because then at least I could imagine another face instead of his.
He had told me for the past 8 months that he had been working. I was working from home as well as with my friend as an estate liquidator. I loved it. I would also work from home and we would do a lot of work together. He would tell me that he needed to rest because he was tired from work. I called his work one day, turns out he never worked there. Everything that he ever said to me about his job was only to make me feel bad. It was to make himself look better. He later told me that he lied because, yet again, if he told me the truth I would have dumped him, yet again I was the bad person even though he was the one who had been lying and trying to hurt me.
Leaving A Mentally Abusive Relationship
I needed to get away, I stayed with the neighbors as he got kicked out from the house due to his behavior. I decided to go back to Sweden as I knew he would not stop if I was there. He kept showing up at the house. There was one time I actually thought he was going to kidnap me, I tried to figure out how I needed to land when I jumped out of the moving car so I wouldn’t die or sustain serious injury. He would make scenes, call me names, curse me out wherever we went.
Dispite everything I tried to be the bigger person, I let him use my car, I let him sleep in it, I gave it to him to sell whenever he was ready for nothing. He only needed to pay me half when it was sold. Which he did after a lot of arguing.
Getting out of an abusive relationship has not been easy. I went into hiding. He kept calling and messaging, being apologetic and when that didn’t work everything was my fault, he had done this because of how I had treated him, he threw a bottle at me because I had made him do it.
He would message me saying to come outside my house because he was there. By this time I had moved in elsewhere for my own safety. I had my friend post a different departure date just so that I could go to the airport in safety., as they all thought he could seriously harm me.
Online Stalking And Harassment
As to this day, over 4 months had passed but I am still getting harassed by him almost everyday, over the past few months I have recieved more messages than I can count. In every possible way he is trying to make me look bad. He started contacting my friends, calling my family, he is now threatening to do me harm. The police are involved as well as the cyber crime unit and all I can do is wait.
The bad thing is that I have to see all his fake profiles, all the lies he is spreading about me and it does take a toll.
The good thing is that everything that he says is being saved and recorded for evidence and it is just a matter of time.
So if you are being harrased in this way, please save everything as it will be used as evidence.
However it does take a toll. Being on the other side of the planet and still not being able to get away from your tormentor.
No kind of violence is ever acceptabel. Physical violence is painful and can be visible, psychological violence is painful but not visible. I would not wish either upon anyone.
There will never be an excuse for abuse.
Getting Out Of An Abusive Relationship
If you are in a relationship where any kind of violence is occurring please seek help, be strong, you can get out of this situation, try to remember you, I know it sounds strange to remember you, it will most definitely sound strange to someone who has never experienced this kind of abuse.
I noticed that along the way I kind of forgot me, I pushed me aside for him because me had never accepted this kind of behavior, I kept thinking this to myself and I kept reminding myself that I would never allow this treatment from anyone and I will not accept it from this person either. It was one of the hardest things I have done, it left me scarred but happy and I can say that it was the best thing I have ever done even though I am still recieveing messages and emails with threats from him and all the fake people he has made up in order to frighten me.
I am stronger than he will ever be, I do not need to bring someone else down to make me feel good and perhaps that is why I am writing this now. Some days might be harder than other but he will never win.